all you have to do is cry, but alas! life goes on.

New York subway romance hits end of the line
By Belinda Goldsmith
Tue Jul 29, 7:21 AM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A modern-day love story of a man spotting the girl of his dreams across a New York subway train and tracking her down over the Internet has failed to have a fairytale ending with the relationship over.
For Web designer Patrick Moberg, then 21, from Brooklyn, it was love at first sight when he spotted a woman on a Manhattan train last November. But he lost her in the crowd so he set up a website with a sketch to find her -- www.nygirlofmydreams.com.

Unbelievably in a city of 8 million people, it only took Moberg 48 hours to track down the woman, with his phone ringing non-stop and email box overflowing as usually cynical New Yorkers took sympathy on the subway Romeo and joined his hunt.

The mysterious brunette was named as Camille Hayton, from Melbourne, Australia, who was working as an intern at the magazine BlackBook and also lived in Brooklyn. One of her friends spotted the sketched picture on the Web site and recognized her.

But after finding each other, appearing on TV and getting international press, the couple took their romance out of the public eye, with Moberg closing down the Web site and with both refusing to making any more comments -- until now.

Hayton told Australian newspaper The Sunday Telegraph that she dated Moberg for about two months but it just didn't work out.

"I say we dated for a while but now we're just friends," Hayton, now 23, told the newspaper. "It's really nice that people embraced the story. It is part of my life now."

Hayton said she is still recognized about three times a week on the streets of Manhattan as "that girl"' and the question is always the same: "So what happened?"

"I think the situation was so intense that it bonded us," she said, adding it "bonded us in a way that you could mistake, I guess, for being more romantic than it was. I don't know. But I wanted to give it a go so I didn't wonder what if, what if?"

Hayton told The Sunday Telegraph that she is enjoying single life in New York, keeping busy with acting classes, working in two vintage clothing stores and as a waitress.

Last week she had a small role as a waitress in the long-running daytime soap "As The World Turns" and last year she was an extra in a "blink and you'd miss it" scene in the hit movie "Sex And The City."

"I just can't believe it happened. It feels like a long time ago," said Hayton.

Moberg, however, was still refusing to comment on the relationship.

"We've decided not to do any more press," he wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.

(Reporting by Belinda Goldsmith, Editing by Bill Tarrant)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080729/od_nm/subway_dc


this makes me sad, but i guess that's life. i guess it's better to stick to my cynicism about love than be the occasional hopeless romantic that i sometimes find myself being.
also, it's my sister's birthday today, so happy birthday to her.

lately, i've been saying/doing/behaving in ways that are not typical for me. it's basically been most of the month of july. i've had a lot going on lately, but that's not really any excuse for what i may have said or done.
so, i just want to say i'm sorry to everyone for all the things i said and did that were unacceptable and for not being there enough and not saying and doing all those things that are appropriate.
i know this is very generalized and can't make up for or take away all the hurt that i may have caused, but hopefully it's a start in the right direction to remedy things, because i think there are things that do need remedied and i would like to do that.
i hope this helps.

i'm trying hard to keep things in perspective.

i'm worried about you.
i haven't heard from you for 14 days.
i'm beginning to think i messed up your life (in a big way) and you are blaming me for it (which i guess would be pretty accurate at this point).
i don't want to break up, but i'm beginning to think that's what is going to happen.
i think that you hate me and you are avoiding me.
but i miss talking to you and hanging out with you. i thought our chemistry was good, but i must be the only one who thinks that at this point.
i'm sorry for everything i said and did and for everything i didn't say and do also.
all i wanted to do was help you feel better and do something nice for you, but i see now i'm not supposed to be doing those things because it blew up in my face, but especially yours.
i'm sorry i ruined your life.

i'm angry at myself for actually believing in things. that things could exist for me and someone else, when i knew all along that it never could be that way.

you would think i would know better by now.

i'm like the retarded person everyone loves only because they feel pity for her, not because they actually like her.

i think i just want to disappear.

i've really had enough.
i can't do the things i want to or the things i would have liked to do no matter how hard i try.
i keep forgetting things are rough all over for everyone; i'm too self-centered in thinking my problems are the only ones that matter right now.
i'm sorry for forgetting that and i'm sorry for what i said.
some things have happened and it's become evident that all the bad things you wished weren't true about yourself suddenly are true and you find out that they are definitely true. it's very upsetting.
good things were supposed to happen this week, but all i have are rotten apples now.
i hate my life and i know i shouldn't.
i don't know what else to do.
i don't know what to do anymore and i'm tired of this and everything else.

Once upon a time there lived a girl and a boy.
Both the boy and the girl were lonely.
One day, the boy and the girl met and they were less lonely and then they were happy together.
However, a sea of monsters separated the boy and the girl after a time and both the boy and the girl were sad that they couldn't be together.
But, the boy and the girl were clever and tried different ways to bypass the sea of monsters. First, the boy tried to secretly see the girl, but the monsters would not let him pass. Then, the girl tried to talk to the monsters about how she and the boy cared for each other, but still the monsters would not let her pass by. So both the boy and the girl grew despondent and sad.
One day, however, a blackbird came to see the girl and told her what to do. Then, the blackbird went to see the boy and told him what to do. The blackbird was very smart and knew the ways to bypass the sea of monsters. The blackbird also knew that the boy and the girl were happy together and should be together for a time.
So the boy set to work, as did the girl. The girl waited and waited for the boy to come to her, but he did not. The girl grew sad and sat by the beach looking at the sea of monsters with tears in her eyes. The boy kept working however. One day, he set sail in his brand new yellow submarine to see the girl, but he could not get past the monsters, so he had to sail back to his home. The girl, finally tired of waiting, built a boat and tried to sail across the sea of monsters, but she could not pass.
Then, the girl sent the boy a note. The blackbird took the note to the boy's house and the boy's pet monkey (who was also his watchdog) gave him the note. The note said simply: "The only way to pass the monsters is by Mr. Moonlight." At once, the boy leapt up and knew what he had to do.
That night, the boy jumped in his yellow submarine and sailed through the sea of monsters to the girl's house. He made it through the sea of monsters and knocked on the girl's door.
The girl opened the door and was happy and surprised to see the boy.
Then the two were happy together for a long time.

The End.

maybe i'm being melodramatic again,
but i hate myself and i want to die today.

Things just never work out the way i want them to, no matter how hard i try.
i always find a way, consciously or not, to ruin the few good things i have.

sigh.

Enough is enough.

i thought i was smarter than this, but i guess i was wrong.

sigh.

i'm so melodramatic.

So I went to the movies and saw "The Happening" yesterday. Interesting concept, but kind of a fakey effects movie. Still, it made me think alot about things. I went with my friend. I really like him a lot and he's nice to me and everything and he really likes me too, so that's good. I am finding though, that I am having a hard time balancing between my social life, school life, and work life at the moment. Maybe it's because prior to recently, I didn't really have much of a social life, but now I actually have friends I see all the time and hang out with and people who text message me considerably more than most people do or more than I'm used to. But school is getting harder. I feel very out of my realm of nursing and doing things and I don't feel confident at all. Everyone expects me to get A's or something, like they think I'm smart, but I still have a hard time with that. I don't think I'm smart- I just happen to have a good memory for things. Things at work have been okay, I can't really complain. Anyway, that's it for now.

What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded.
Bold the ones you've read.
Underline the ones you read for school.
Italicize the ones you started but didn't finish.
Here's the twist: add (*) beside the ones you liked and would (or did) read again or recommend. Even if you read them for school in the first place.


The Aeneid
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
American Gods
Anansi Boys
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
Angels & Demons*
Anna Karenina
Atlas Shrugged
Beloved
The Blind Assassin
Brave New World*
The Brothers Karamazov
The Canterbury Tales
The Catcher in the Rye*
Catch-22
A Clockwork Orange
Cloud Atlas
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
A Confederacy of Dunces
The Confusion
The Corrections
The Count of Monte Cristo
Crime and Punishment
Cryptonomicon
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
David Copperfield
Don Quixote
Dracula
Dubliners
Dune
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
Emma
Foucault’s Pendulum
The Fountainhead*
Frankenstein
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
The God of Small Things
The Grapes of Wrath
Gravity’s Rainbow
Great Expectations
Gulliver’s Travels
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
The Historian : a novel
The Hobbit
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The Iliad
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences*
The Inferno (and Purgatory and Paradise)
Jane Eyre
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
The Kite Runner
Les Misérables
Life of Pi : a novel
Lolita
Love in the Time of Cholera
Madame Bovary
Mansfield Park
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlemarch
Middlesex
Mrs. Dalloway
The Mists of Avalon
Moby Dick
The Name of the Rose
Neverwhere
1984*
Northanger Abbey
The Odyssey
Oliver Twist
The Once and Future King
One Hundred Years of Solitude
On the Road*
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Oryx and Crake : a novel
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
Persuasion
The Picture of Dorian Gray
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Pride and Prejudice**
The Prince
Quicksilver
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
The Satanic Verses
The Scarlet Letter
Sense and Sensibility**
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Silmarillion*
Slaughterhouse-five
The Sound and the Fury
A Tale of Two Cities
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
The Time Traveler’s Wife
To the Lighthouse
Treasure Island
The Three Musketeers
Ulysses
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Vanity Fair
War and Peace
Watership Down
White Teeth
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
Wuthering Heights
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values*

sometimes i wonder why i bother.
i mean, i don't have time for everything, but it never hurts to ask.
maybe i shouldn't care, but for some odd reason, it does matter to me.
what's a girl to do?

Earth Day!
Go hug a tree and celebrate the earth and all her creatures today.

Go to:
http://www.wecansolveit.org
http://www.nwf.org
http://www.wwf.org
http://stopglobalwarming.org

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/04/08/rare-brain-disease-g.html

Rare brain disease gave scientist "a torrent of creativity"
Posted by Cory Doctorow, April 8, 2008 9:13 AM
Dr Anne Adams was a Canadian scientist who died of a rare brain disease -- frontotemporal dementia -- which caused her to give up her lab and engage in an ecstasy of creative effort (and an agony of frustration as her mathematical ability slipped away), mostly centered on Ravel's Bolero, a composition he wrote in the throes of the same disease.
“Anne spent every day from 9 to 5 in her art studio,” said Robert Adams, a retired mathematician. Early on, she painted architectural portraits of houses in the West Vancouver, British Columbia, neighborhood where they lived.
In 1994, Dr. Adams became fascinated with the music of the composer Maurice Ravel, her husband recalled. At age 53, she painted “Unravelling Bolero” a work that translated the famous musical score into visual form.

Unbeknown to her, Ravel also suffered from a brain disease whose symptoms were identical to those observed in Dr. Adams, said Dr. Bruce Miller, a neurologist and the director of the Memory and Aging Center at the University of California, San Francisco. Ravel composed “Bolero” in 1928, when he was 53 and began showing signs of his illness with spelling errors in musical scores and letters...

Ravel and Dr. Adams were in the early stages of a rare disease called FTD, or frontotemporal dementia, when they were working, Ravel on “Bolero” and Dr. Adams on her painting of “Bolero,” Dr. Miller said. The disease apparently altered circuits in their brains, changing the connections between the front and back parts and resulting in a torrent of creativity.

Things are better.
Not the greatest, but better at least.
I guess I should be glad for that.

i know i haven't posted for awhile, so i am making a quick post now.

all i can say is, things were going pretty well, and then i screwed up, and i screwed up BAD. i led myself astray and now i'm pretty sure that all the plans i had for myself are ruined. i don't think i can remedy this one this time.

I saw the movie Across the Universe yesterday afternoon, at one of the local movie theatres where I live. I was excited that it FINALLY made it to where I live, but I was a bit nervous about actually seeing the movie because I knew it was basically an interpretation of Beatles songs combined with events of the 1960's, and this made me slightly apprehensive since I didn't know how it was going to be. However, I have to say I was glad I went. I really enjoyed it, even though if many of the parts made me want to cry simply because I wish I lived during the 1960's or because I miss The Beatles or because it was a sad part in the film. The film was a great combination of The Beatles and the events of the 1960's. I liked the choreography in the film as well and the colors were wonderful. I was a bit surprised that Bono played Dr. Robert, but I got over it. The film almost seemed surreal in a way to me, because there were many references to The Beatles and their songs, while at the same time, the characters were singing Beatles songs, yet the events that were taking place were taking place in the time period when The Beatles were living and releasing their music (and some songs that hadn't been released yet). In my head, I knew that this was a fantasy type land, while at the same time, it was believeable in the events and time period, although I didn't live in New York in the 1960's, so I guess I don't really know about that one. It definitely applied to the Beatle lover and the new age artist/hippie counterculturist in me, but it led me to wonder- what is my revolution, what is the cultural revoultion of the 1990-2000's? I guess the ability to post blogs is sort of a revolution that never could have been done without the technology we have today. But I don't know that this classifies as a revolution. But that's just a thought I had after the movie was over. Overall, I definitely enjoyed Across the Universe and would recommend it to anyone who appreciates independent films or Beatle-lovers. I would definitely watch it again.

my vacation to houston, tx:
-it was totally awesome. i wish i could have stayed longer.
-i realized that while i love winter and the seasons, the constant warm weather would probably be better for me.
-i met up with an old friend and realized how much i missed talking/hanging out with him and what he truely means to me.
-i realized that i need to travel more.
-flying in a plane is pretty darn cool.
-i like the fact that you have the big city, but you can go to the beach anytime too.
-i can't wait to go back.

if you didn't want to be friends, all you had to do was say so.


it's so obvious, even I noticed.

why don't you talk to me anymore?
we don't hang out anymore either.
it's not like i'm THAT far away.
you don't invite me to do stuff anymore.
i guess i'm not cool enough.

i should have seen this coming....

i'm sick and tired of life.
i'm sick and tired of people who act like they are my friends or at least act like they like me, then talk about me behind my back and then treat me like i'm invisible. i know i'm quiet and shy, but that doesn't mean i don't exist.
that's so high school and i'm so over it.
so i will be happy with my lonely existence.

i wish i didn't care so much.



don't even bother.

you're quite simply breaking my heart.
and i
just can't take it.
i have a plan.


you don't care.
so why should i?
i love you,
but you'll never see me "that way."
i don't know why it matters;
i'm giving up.

is it ever better not to have a plan, to not be too forceful or overbearing or forward with what you want? is there ever a time you should be passive instead of aggressive?
i've been thinking about how maybe i don't need a plan, maybe i should just let things happen and let the chips fall where they may. but i'm too ocd to do that i think.
i realize there are lots of things i don't know about the people i hang out with. and just as profoundly, many things they don't know about me. perhaps they are things that should remain hidden, perhaps they are things that should be aired out. i just know i don't take criticism well all the time.
i wish i could focus on my goals, but perhaps i'm too focused on my goals? i've had quite a few people asking me what i want to do with my life, like what i'm doing now isn't enough or something, asking me what my plans are. i usually answer vaguely, on purpose, because the last thing i need is to be taunted and scoffed at for what my plans truly are.
i know i am not going to live a long time; it's not a kamikaze sort of goal, it's just something i've always known. it's not something that can be changed. i don't know exactly how it will happen or even exactly when it will happen, i just know that it's coming. and i'm not scared. it makes me realize my own caducity.
but the problem is that i know it's coming and i want to fit in everything i possibly can in the small amount of space i have left. the problem is i have a plan, but no plan for this. things never go according to the plan, which is why i am beginning to think it is better to go without a plan, but that leaves a lot to chance. i'm not sure i can put my faith in chance.
i can't really explain this to anyone because i don't think anyone gets it the way i get it. but i'm not sure either.
it's funny, because it seems i'm always the exception rather than the rule. i'm "special" (and not in the retarded sense used back when we were kids); it just seems like i am more inhibited than most people and that is only one of many things that sets me apart from everyone else. and no matter how hard i try to break this "specialness" or whatever it is, i keep going back to it because something happens that causes me to feel more self-conscious than when i originally started out trying not to feel self-conscious.
take for example, my current dilemma: i have to be in a friend's wedding in april. while i am excited at this possibly, it also scares me. the problem is, all the other bridesmaids are married or have serious boyfriends, EXCEPT ME.i guess all that can change in a year, but still: i'm the exception rather than the rule. my friend who is getting married has now made it her goal to find me a boyfriend or at least a somewhat suitable date for the wedding, probably so i won't feel left out. and i don't want to be pitied. and i have a person in mind (maybe two) that i would want to go with me, but i don't want to make either of the ones i have in mind to feel uncomfortable at the prospect of not knowing anyone at some wedding. and the person i would reall like to ask, would even like to date him, i don't think he is interested. i think he's only interested when he's been drinking and there's no one else around, but i could be wrong. and i feel a little self-conscious about it, because in the same breath that i want to ask, i don't want to ask because it will be a little weird. he even told me that he is happy being single and i don't think he wants to date me. again, i'm the exception rather than the rule. even when he had the opportunity to do things that he obviously wanted to do, he didn't. whether that means he is of upstanding moral character or truly didn't want them from me in the first place, i don't know. i would like the think the first, but i don't know. and granted, i don't really know him as well as some of my other friends do either, so it could very well be that i am way off base. but somehow, i don't exactly feel like i'm completely wrong either. and if it truly turns out that he is interested, even if it's only a little, i want it to be something pure; something true. i think that's too much to ask for, though. and i shouldn't even put all my hope in love or relationships, but i think that sometimes my problem lies more in the fact that i care/love too much; too deeply. and people don't understand it. i don't always show it when something hurts me or bothers me. someone once told me that the phrase "still waters run deep" and that i have "deep, unempty eyes", described me. i used to believe those phrases described me pretty well, but now i'm not so sure.
i have often wondered if i'm selfish because of the goals i have for myself, because of the things i want. but i think i'm too modest to actually be selfish, but i still wonder about it.
i try to have more confidence, but it's hard when there's no one there to encourage it; when people are so mean to each other just for a laugh. i know that it seems stupid that things like that would bother me, but i guess i just don't have the thick skin that some people do. words said don't always bounce right off again, although i may try to play if off that way.
my friend that i like reminds me of things i should forget; makes me think of things that shouldn't be forgotten. and i don't want him to think that i feel pity for him because i know and remember these things because that's not it at all. yes, i feel bad that he had to suffer; i would never want someone to have to go through that. but i would never like someone or date someone simply because i felt pity for them. i would hope that rule works in reverse too.
i know that i shouldn't spend so much time talking about love and relationships and mysterious boys that i like. in the end, i don't know that it's all that important. it just seems like those things truly do make the "world go round" and i feel like i lack in some way for not experiencing enough relationships. but no matter how i try, it seems like all my efforts go astray. maybe i shouldn't try. maybe i should just give up. it's easy to give up, but maybe not trying is part of the plan.
anyway, just some ramblings from my head.

Things are better at work, at least for the most part. I decidede to talk to the charge nurse and my boss and they are both on my side. "ab" has been nice to me ever since our little "talk", but I've only had to follow her, not really work with her. So I guess it's okay for right now.
I need to put a plan in action, but I'm not really sure how to go about it. Sometimes I feel like things are already in place and I cannot change them....that I am bound by whatever is already present to follow a certain path, be it good or bad. I feel as if I am losing focus sometimes of what's really important and focusing too much time and energy on extraneous things...I have to concentrate my efforts on what is real, what is true. Sometimes it's just hard to know the difference between what's real and what isn't. I guess it's because I am real and upfront with everyone (at least I would like to think that I am not fake) and I am down to earth and laid-back. And I expect the same "realness" and "upfrontness" from the people I am friends with, but is this too high an expectation? Then I start to think too much about it. I don't know, I guess I should think less. Otherwise things are okay.

i hate to be a whiner, but i don't understand why guys want to "hook up" with me, but don't want to be in a relationship with me. a lot of them aren't even interested in me- it seems like i keep "striking out" with the guys i am interested and i just don't get it sometimes. ah well, i guess that's the way it goes sometimes. maybe relationships aren't that important anyway.

i'm so confused right now.
and i don't know what to do about it.
watching the all-star game today made me realize how much i miss baseball and my actual life.
how do i get my life back?

i am having work issues. please read ahead with caution. i will try to be brief, but brevity has never been my speciality.
so all this begins about 2 months ago, when I was working in the ICU (i still do work there, at least for now. but more on that later.) i had 2 patients, and both of them were needy and had a lot going on. this one nurse, we'll call her "ab", was working on the same side as me. i was not really very friendly with her since i started because she didn't really seem like the nicest person, so i tried to keep my distance, but i hadn't really been warned about her all that much either. so, all day long she kept interfering a bit in my patient's stuff- like x-ray called up about an x-ray on one of patients and i happened to be in a room, and she answered the phone and then proceeded to ream me out because i had noted off the order yesterday and an x-ray had not been put in for that morning, and that she knew that i knew that, but i need to double check because too many orders are being missed. so the day goes on and i am only scheduled until 3pm, which i had specifically requested because a few of my friends were graduating from nursing school and i wanted to be there. so around 1 or 1:30, there is a supposed stroke patient coming, but then they are going to a different floor, then they are coming to us- back and forth it went, until 2pm, when they finally decide she is to come to the ICU. so, since i knew this patient was coming, i tried to make sure i had all my shit together, so i could do the admission and maybe get out kind of on time. well, i was ready, and my patient came up- she was confused and thrashing around. i tried to get a foley in her, but couldn't get her to cooperate. maybe 15 minutes go by and i'm already frustrated and "ab" comes by the door and says "your patient's not on the monitor" and i said "thanks, i know." so then, i get my patient together and finally get out. the nurse's aide was in there with me and told me that my one patient (who had an epidural and not one, but THREE chest tubes) wanted something for pain. i said that i knew that and would get to it as soon as i could. then, i go to document and get told that my other patient wanted to get back to bed. Physical therapy was here to see her and wanted to get her up. i go in the room and notice a pool of blood below her chair. (she had a groin incision that was not really healing very well.) i told the physical therapist to come back later. i clean up the blood and get the patient back in bed. i change her groin dressing for probably the 4th time that shift, as my relief comes in for report. then the nurse's aide tells me again that my chest tube guy wants something for pain. i said, "okay thanks," as my frustration grows and grows. finally, after i'm done with my bleeding patient, i go out to the desk to attempt to get pain medicine for my chest tube guy. and "ab" says to me "your patient is having pain." i said "okay, thanks." and of course, i am frustrated, so i'm not talking like miss sunshine and flowers. "ab" then tells me "there is no reason for you to snap at me. i have been patient and nice to the family, who has been out here 3 times." i was like "okay, sorry." (it went something like that.) she pretty much yelled at me, at least in my opinion. so i get him some pain medicine and i notice one of his chest tubes is unattached, so i had to fix that. then, i finally was able to get report, of course this is after my relief calls for orders on our new patient and wants me to document all the 1500 vitals. i didn't leave until 4:30pm. i told my relief i was sorry, and when i saw her later, she said that she didn't get out until 9pm- she was only scheduled until 7pm. so fast forward to where a bunch of us nurses were all talking and "ab" happens to come up and i told my little story. the other nurses said "oh, that's how she is. you should have seen it when she used to be charge nurse. she would sit on a transfer all day long so she wouldn't get any admissions, but yell at someone else with a transfer who didn't get it out of the ICU in an hour." so the next few times i worked with her or knew she was there, i tried to avoid her (thank goodness, she only works the weekends, but she does pick up quite a bit of extra time.) now flash forward to this past friday and saturday. Friday, it was just "ab" and i working because there were only 2 or 3 patients in the ICU. i was being polite, as i always am to her, and trying not to avoid her. she came in, and it must have been just as i was telling the nurse's aide about what happened with "ab" and the nurse's aide said that she would protect me. well, "ab" must have overheard and didn't like that. she seemed like she was already pissed off anyway. i only had to work until 7pm and around 6pm, we get a call about a post-op patient who is coming to us. she "ab" has more experience than i do, i asked her about taking report on the patient, since she was working 3-11. so she takes report for the recovery room, while at the same time, the supervisor calls wanting to know what bed we are going to put this patient in, and "ab" is like "HOLD ON PLEASE! I'll call her back!" then, the evening goes on and i offer to help her get the room ready, so i do that a little. then, my relief came, about the same time as the patient came from surgery and at the same time that my heart cath patient was ready to stand up. so i stood my patient and checked his cath insertion site and let him sit up. then i went back out to give report, and she was helping "ab" with her patient, which was fine. so i went in to attempt to help, and after that, my relief and i went out for report. "ab" was very bitchy and controlling and bossy of everyone during this whole time. well, i am trying to give report and "ab" is sitting at the desk, and it looks like she is on the phone, so the other line rings and i answer it. it's one of the doctors, who is a consult on this new patient and so, to try and help "ab" out, i tell him that we have a consult for him and then "ab" says "is that dr.x? i need to speak to him!" so i tell him that she wanted to speak to him and he's like "tell me about the consult first" and i go "it's ab's patient, that's why she wants to talk to you" and as i am trying to explain that "ab" picks up the phone and says "dr.x?" and starts in about her patient. i then hung up the phone and turned my head away to continue giving report. my relief whispers to me, "ab gets antsy about these things." so after report i leave and i hear "ab" telling the nurse's aide to call another floor for her and to do this- basically bossing the poor nurse's aide around. then, i come back for more fun on saturday. my patients were okay- although i got an admission right when i got in, and i wasn't very happy about that. then "ab" comes in at 3pm and says to me "we need to talk before you leave." i said "okay" and i pretty much guessed correctly what it was about. i had to give her report, and after that said "are you finished?" and i said "yes." and then she tells the other nurse that we are going into one of the empty rooms for a few minutes. we go in the room and she shuts the door and closes the blinds. and then she starts. she says to me "i don't even know where to begin. i don't know what i ever did to you, but i don't appreciate hearing that i 'yelled at you'. this is a small unit, and you are talking out of turn- did you think it wouldn't come back to me?" i said "no, i didn't know." she then said, "i've heard from several people that you were talking about me and i 'yelled at you'. did you neglect to tell them how you snapped at me?" i said "no, i told the whole story." she then said, "i don't appreciate it, and then you tell your relief, you're sorry- that's not right. then yesterday, you rolled your eyes at me when dr.x called with my consult. you know this isn't a medical floor where it doesn't matter; most of us like to do our own consults." i said "i'm sorry. it was just i had dr. x in one ear and you were talking at the same time and i was trying to tell him that you needed to talk to him." then she said "you better watch who you cross and what you say and who you are enemies with. i don't want us to be enemies, but i don't know what else to do. i don't care if you are friends with the boss (suddenly because the boss and i take classes together for our BSN, we're friends?), but i've been here a long time, and if this happens again, i will take it higher." i said "i don't want us to be enemies. i'm sorry, you have a right to be angry with me." then i think i said i was sorry again. then she said "we're supposed to be a team here, but with things like that going on, we can't be a team. and who suffers? the patients." then she opened the door in a huff and let me walk out first. i then left. the other nurse that was working until 7 told me bye and i quietly said bye. all i wanted to do in that moment was cry. i never wanted to come back, but i knew i had to come back in the am. i considered calling off or wrecking my car so i wouldn't have to go back, but didn't do either of those things. i went home and my parents asked me how my day went and i was quiet and said "fine." i then told them both about what happened and my dad said "well, you shouldn't talk about other people, no matter what." and i said "i know." then he said "but it sounds to me like "ab" has the problem, not you. you are okay, don't get too upset about it. it sounds like she is a problem, and people don't like problems, so if it comes down to it, she may leave." i was like "yeah right." then i told my mom and she said to me "that's terrible, but it sounds like she has a problem. can you take it to your boss? is there anyone you can talk to about it? "ab" threatned you, you know." i said "i know, but i'm not sure there's too much i can do about it." the rest of the day i was pretty depressed. i went to my friend's wedding reception and that was nice. i wanted to go out with my friends, but i couldn't because i had to work in the am, of course. and it's no one's fault but my own because i traded with one of the other nurses so she could go to her daughter's softball games this weekend. when i went back to work on sunday, i was pretty quiet and didn't talk very much. fortunately, i didn't have to get report from "ab", she does doubles on saturdays and went to the stepdown unit for 12 hours after i left. my sunday at work was okay, but i felt horrible all day long and like i was a horrible nurse and an even worse person. "ab" definitely made sure i knew i was far below her and that she is superior. now i know that i am a new nurse and at that, very new in the ICU. but i just don't think i was meant to work in the ICU or be a nurse. i'm not a very good nurse at all, and an even worse ICU nurse because there's still a lot of things i'm just learning. "ab" makes it hard for me to work or to learn anything. she scares me and i want to avoid her. i'm sure that anytime she is working at the same time as me, she will probably be looking for something wrong so she can turn me in. i pretty much get along with everyone else in the ICU. but i can't work, not when i'm in a situation like that. i think i was better off on my old medical/surgical floor and i am thinking i only have 2 options here:
1) transferring to another floor
2) quitting my job all together
i don't know what else to do. no matter what i try, i keep making mistakes and getting in trouble. i hate my job and everything else pretty much sucks right now. i thought i should know who i am by now and what i want to do, but i have no clue at all. i don't know what else to do. i think i'm going to become a hermit and a nun instead. at least i'll devote my life to a good cause, haha.
anyway, that's it for now.

i was thinking today about feminism and about how, if you look at it, what has it done for women? Sure, we can vote and are pretty much held on the same tier as men nowadays, but if you look at it, those things aren't really happening. Women still earn less than men. Women still get treated like pieces of meat at the grocery store when they're pretty and dressed nice. And now women can use language that would make a sailor blush. Sometimes I think that feminism has only brought the female gender down, rather than elevating it. I mean what good is it if we can swear better than any guy or even out drink him, but we still earn less than he does in a middle income job? I don't know- maybe my perspective is wrong and maybe I'm just thinking too much, but what is wrong with being a little girly? I mean, is there something wrong with wearing a skirt that shows off your good parts, but just enough isn't showing for the imagination? What's wrong with being pretty? It seems like all these feminists (and granted, I'm not judge of someone being pretty or not) are all "punked out" and don't seem to want to embrace the more girly aspects of being female and granted I'm probably the most conformed non-conformist known to the human race, but is it okay to be a feminist and still be girly? I don't know. I was just thinking about that when I got up this morning.
I'm not really sure if I can trust what people tell me anymore. I'm not sure people see me for who I really am. I'm tired of being treated like I'm extraordinary; I want to be mediocre or lower than mediocre. Granted, I probably already am lower than mediocre, but I don't want anyone to treat me "special" because of that either. Although I want people to tell me I'm pretty or whatever, but the same token I know that I'm not. And I have a hard time believing people when they tell me that I am. "Why is that?" someone might ask. This is because the last pretty serious relationship I had, I dated this guy and he would tell me that I was pretty when I asked and even when I didn't ask he would say that I was. Then, after we broke up, I found something he had posted on the internet about me and he said I was "an ugly whore" or something to that extent. And even though his opinion shouldn't matter and doesn't matter, it still hurt me. He also said that all the things that I thought I was good at I pretty much wasn't any good at- that my photography skills stunk (it's actually one of the few things that I think I am OK at), that I wasn't smart at all, and that I was a horrible writer- at pretty much any type of writing. And maybe the issue is his and not mine, but by stating those things, it is MY issue, no matter how long ago it was. And for a person who's self-esteem is already modest to begin with, that sends it plummeting down into the center of the earth. So now when people compliment me, I never know if their words ring hollow or not. It's like I have lost the ability to descriminate between someone people real with me and someone who isn't being real with me. And I think it's making me crazy. I overanalyze everything anymore. There's this guy that I'm sort of friends with who I met through some other friends of mine. And I think that I like him, but I'm not really sure that he likes me- it's hard to tell. And he's given me a few compliments when I've seen him, but how do I know that they are real? Trust is my problem I guess. I'm not sure I'll even be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone sometimes. First of all, I'm too youthful looking- I've had people ask me if I'm 13 years old; most people think I'm somewhere around 18 I think. (They often ask me if I'm old enough to be a nurse.) I asked my mom about it and she said for someone my age, I look young. Great. I mean, not that that's a bad thing, but I'm not sure it's helping me out either. Then there's the whole being shy thing, plus the whole smart vs. pretty thing- it's like you can only be one or the other- you can't be both smart and pretty. And I am by no stretch of the imagination pretty, but I would like to think I am somewhat smart. But it's like people focus in on one or the other and forget the rest. And of course, who wants to date someone who has a modest dose of low self-esteem? I always thought I knew who I was and what I wanted in life, but now I'm not so sure. It seems like the things that I once thought were important, aren't so important anymore.
How do you get past those awkward pauses in life? Those places where you see someone you once knew and say hi to them, but don't talk much to them beyond that? Or those places where you have intense feelings for someone but they don't reciprocate or vice-versa? How do you move past those places, especially, if the parting wasn't amicable to begin with? I saw this girl I used to hang out with in middle school the other day- she works at the mall now. And it was weird because we both said hi to each other, but that was all. She didn't ask how I was doing and I didn't ask how she was doing- it was just very awkward. How do you move past that? How do you say "so what?" and just keep going? While I don't mind knowing many many people where I live, sometimes I wish I knew no one. Even though that's a lonely existence, I am a lonely entity. I'm not 100% on this, but maybe I'm supposed to be alone. And maybe what I say and do won't matter in 100 years and I probably will have little to now impact on the human race in the long run, but eventhough I am amongst other people all the time, I still feel alone. I consistently feel like I'm not good enough for anything. And I know that's the critic in my head and I wish I could just shut it up, but how do I shut the critic in my head up without shutting up the rest of the voices that have something positive to say as well?
I think I think too much, so pass the prozac...